Labor
No life no savings
10 years of school Ph. D.
Laboring always
--Meant to post this yesterday, but it just seemed like too much work.
Showing posts with label postdoc stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label postdoc stories. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Struggle
So, I have been sort of in a rut lately. From a work standpoint and a personal standpoint. For work, I am a physicist, but I rarely get to sit down and do any physics. My days are taken up by writing papers (not research), fixing other people's problems (not research), reporting my lack of progress on my research, and editing papers for other people (not research). It can sometimes really annoy me.
On top of this all, I constantly am feeling quite guilty about living 1000 miles from both my family and my wife's family. My kids only get to see my parents about 2 times a year and they get to see my wife's mother about 4 times a year. Not all that often. And it is all because of me. I chose to be a physicist and I chose to take a postdoc 1000 miles from my family. Now, to be honest, it was the only job offer I had. Though, it was my dream offer, so I still feel guilty because I would have picked it no matter what I was offered (most likely).
This guilt has left me feeling like where I have lived for 3 years is not home. I have never taken an interest in my neighborhood, the town or the region. I really don't have any close friends outside of work and have never really felt the need to have them. Why? Because I don't view this as home yet.
So, sometimes things just start to pile up on my emotionally. I don't have a lot of outlets to get away to - everything I do is with my wife and kids. No close friends - no hang outs - no nothing really. Don't get me wrong - my wife and kids are great. But even just once a month - to be able to get out and away - would be priceless. It is my fault really - I don't ever make the effort to meet people or connect with the people I do happen to meet.
This all starts to add up and affect me in ways I don't always see. For the last month or so, and especially the last week, I have been incredibly irritable. Snapping at the kids and wife. Don't get me wrong, I have never been a person who really thinks before responding. I say things without thinking all the time. I wear my heart on my sleeve and you can quickly and correctly ascertain my mental state simply by the look on my face. I don't really have an inner firewall that stops me from saying stupid and hurtful shit. It just comes out.
It is usually not a problem because I am usually a very easy going, laid-back person. In general, I am very happy and so that cruelness that I have had lately is so very surprising to me. So, I have spent the last few days - since Thursday really - trying to pin it down - where is it coming from? I think it is that I just don't have any releases anymore. I don't have any outlets other than talking with my wife.
And, really, one person can only take so much bitching and moaning. On top of that, I am not a talk it out kinda guy. I am a let it process and work it out on my own type. I am also the kind of person who always looks for solutions which - I find out from my wife - is not what people usually want to hear when they have problems. They just want someone to listen. I have been working on that also... but I digress.
So, this lack of an outlet and feelings of guilt are sort of culminating into a nasty little rut. What I really want to do is spend a night out drinking with my wife and friends, then spend the next day really hung over. But all my good friends are 1000 miles away. Then I need to remind myself that I really love my job - I usually look forward to work (other then my kids not being here with me) - and that I have a pretty great life. Sometimes, though, I just cannot see the forest for the trees.
On top of this all, I constantly am feeling quite guilty about living 1000 miles from both my family and my wife's family. My kids only get to see my parents about 2 times a year and they get to see my wife's mother about 4 times a year. Not all that often. And it is all because of me. I chose to be a physicist and I chose to take a postdoc 1000 miles from my family. Now, to be honest, it was the only job offer I had. Though, it was my dream offer, so I still feel guilty because I would have picked it no matter what I was offered (most likely).
This guilt has left me feeling like where I have lived for 3 years is not home. I have never taken an interest in my neighborhood, the town or the region. I really don't have any close friends outside of work and have never really felt the need to have them. Why? Because I don't view this as home yet.
So, sometimes things just start to pile up on my emotionally. I don't have a lot of outlets to get away to - everything I do is with my wife and kids. No close friends - no hang outs - no nothing really. Don't get me wrong - my wife and kids are great. But even just once a month - to be able to get out and away - would be priceless. It is my fault really - I don't ever make the effort to meet people or connect with the people I do happen to meet.
This all starts to add up and affect me in ways I don't always see. For the last month or so, and especially the last week, I have been incredibly irritable. Snapping at the kids and wife. Don't get me wrong, I have never been a person who really thinks before responding. I say things without thinking all the time. I wear my heart on my sleeve and you can quickly and correctly ascertain my mental state simply by the look on my face. I don't really have an inner firewall that stops me from saying stupid and hurtful shit. It just comes out.
It is usually not a problem because I am usually a very easy going, laid-back person. In general, I am very happy and so that cruelness that I have had lately is so very surprising to me. So, I have spent the last few days - since Thursday really - trying to pin it down - where is it coming from? I think it is that I just don't have any releases anymore. I don't have any outlets other than talking with my wife.
And, really, one person can only take so much bitching and moaning. On top of that, I am not a talk it out kinda guy. I am a let it process and work it out on my own type. I am also the kind of person who always looks for solutions which - I find out from my wife - is not what people usually want to hear when they have problems. They just want someone to listen. I have been working on that also... but I digress.
So, this lack of an outlet and feelings of guilt are sort of culminating into a nasty little rut. What I really want to do is spend a night out drinking with my wife and friends, then spend the next day really hung over. But all my good friends are 1000 miles away. Then I need to remind myself that I really love my job - I usually look forward to work (other then my kids not being here with me) - and that I have a pretty great life. Sometimes, though, I just cannot see the forest for the trees.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Haiku Monday (Late) - Research Proposals
Research Proposals
Bleary - lack of sleep
Caffeine is beautiful no?
Hallucinations
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Train wrecks
There is a fellow postdoc where I work who was a student of my adviser's good friend, Prof. K. Did you follow that? Moving forward, my adviser (call him Prof. J) and Prof. K are completely diametrically opposed personalities. Prof. J is super professional. Prof. K is extremely casual. Prof. J is a very classic gentleman. Prof. K is very frank and brutally honest. They are both quite bright and successful researchers.
Well, my fellow postdoc loves to regal us with stories of his adventures with Prof. K. My favorite story, however, is one I was directly involved in. Prof. K and my fellow postdoc (then grad student) were visiting Prof. J and our research group. The whole research group was all out to lunch at a little deli in town.
Somehow the topic of movies came up and somehow (the details are still blurry to all involved and all attempts to reconcile the events in a logical order fail and descend into insanity quickly) the topic of favorite actresses comes up. Favorite in the "looks good in a tight dress" kind of favorite.
Prof. J: "K, stop talking about this, it is not appropriate - there are women at the table"
Prof. K: "Oh, J, don't be such old puss"
Yes, he said "old puss." I laughed anxiously. Prof. K's student (now my postdoc friend), talks about Angelina Jolie being hot, etc. etc. Prof. K says he has no taste and that she is old and fake. Meanwhile, prim and proper Prof. J is slowly trying to shrink down into his chair and disappear.
Prof. K goes on to explain his favorite is a certain actress, whose name I cannot recall. He also goes on to explain, in some very interesting language, about his reasoning.
Prof. K: "Well, you see, she was quite beautiful. She was also a well known mathematician who worked on code algorithms for the Army during one of the world wars."
We all found that quite interesting and some discussion took place about cryptography and related subjects. But now it gets fun.
Prof. K: "And she was the first actress to masturbate on screen."
He just throws that out there, nonchalantly. WHAT THE @#$%??? I mean, remember, this is a gathering of research scientists. Mainly physicists and mathematicians. We are not some ex-frat guys at a business lunch in suits and ties. We are the somewhat nerdy, like talking about cryptography and quantum mechanics group. This is a group of 7 or so PhD students and researchers. Seriously, first actress to masturbate on screen... what the *$%^?
Well, my fellow postdoc loves to regal us with stories of his adventures with Prof. K. My favorite story, however, is one I was directly involved in. Prof. K and my fellow postdoc (then grad student) were visiting Prof. J and our research group. The whole research group was all out to lunch at a little deli in town.
Somehow the topic of movies came up and somehow (the details are still blurry to all involved and all attempts to reconcile the events in a logical order fail and descend into insanity quickly) the topic of favorite actresses comes up. Favorite in the "looks good in a tight dress" kind of favorite.
Prof. J: "K, stop talking about this, it is not appropriate - there are women at the table"
Prof. K: "Oh, J, don't be such old puss"
Yes, he said "old puss." I laughed anxiously. Prof. K's student (now my postdoc friend), talks about Angelina Jolie being hot, etc. etc. Prof. K says he has no taste and that she is old and fake. Meanwhile, prim and proper Prof. J is slowly trying to shrink down into his chair and disappear.
Prof. K goes on to explain his favorite is a certain actress, whose name I cannot recall. He also goes on to explain, in some very interesting language, about his reasoning.
Prof. K: "Well, you see, she was quite beautiful. She was also a well known mathematician who worked on code algorithms for the Army during one of the world wars."
We all found that quite interesting and some discussion took place about cryptography and related subjects. But now it gets fun.
Prof. K: "And she was the first actress to masturbate on screen."
He just throws that out there, nonchalantly. WHAT THE @#$%??? I mean, remember, this is a gathering of research scientists. Mainly physicists and mathematicians. We are not some ex-frat guys at a business lunch in suits and ties. We are the somewhat nerdy, like talking about cryptography and quantum mechanics group. This is a group of 7 or so PhD students and researchers. Seriously, first actress to masturbate on screen... what the *$%^?
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