Domestic Enemies of the Working Dad

I am a working father.  Worse even, I am a postdoc and a father.  A postdoc is like a graduate student - chained to their work, but worse - you don't get any points just for trying anymore.  You have graduated - it is time to get RESULTS!  Nothing matters but results - and journal articles.  Really, only journal articles.  Actually,  journal articles where you are first author.  Nothing else really matters.

Except, I am married with kids.  Little people who fawn over me, adore me, loving me to the bottom of their souls.  Little people who just want to play with their dad, sit in his lap, have him pay attention to them.  And you know what, I love them so much.  I adore every little drawing they make, every rock they give me, every silly story they tell me.  I love that they love me.  I love that they love to be with me.

So, in honor of them, I write this piece.  This is inspired by the hilarious women over at Rants from Mommyland who have a whole series of Domestic Enemies articles.  They are awesome, hilarious, and truthful.  You should read them!

I present to you the domestic enemies of the working dad.

Daycare Mommies
I am the primary parent who handles daycare.  I get them ready in the morning, I drop them off, I pick them up,  It is the situation our family is in.  BW works across the bridge-tunnel.  Yes you hear right - it is both a bridge and a tunnel under the water.  Yes, it gets annoying to be the one 'on call' all the time.  But I also get to be the one to get that last hug and kiss, to be the first one to see them after daycare.  But what annoys me are the Daycare Mommies.  You know, the ones who think it is just "so CUTE that Daddy is in charge of doing the daycare thing.  And oh my, you even did your daughter's hair, well isn't that just so special?"  You know what, just because I have a penis doesn't mean I am not a full-time parent.  Yes, I dress them and do their hair.  I have a daughter and that means I have to do the pigtails or braids or whatever she wants that day.  (Or what I decide is feasible with the nanoseconds left before we have to leave).  Why does it matter if it is Mom or Dad who does this?  And no, their mother is not sick or taking the day off - I do this 5 times a week, 52 weeks a year.  Just shut up already.  Please.

Daycare Parties
I love my kids and if I could, I would not send them to daycare.  Or let me rephrase that.  I would not send them to daycare everyday.**  So, when you the daycare teachers schedule a party every other week along with a freaking field trip every month - I get annoyed.  Yes my job is flexible.  But no, I don't get vacation time.  Sorry, not in the postdoc world.  So, I REALLY don't want to hear how EVERYONE else's Mom (or Dad) is going to the circus.  Why the hell am I paying you to take me and my kid to the circus?  So, no, I cannot always just drop everything and stop by in the middle of the afternoon for an hour or two for your special "Springtime Under the Sea" party.  If I had extra time at work - I would LEAVE EARLY and take my kids home to hang out with me and play hide and seek or something fun...

Oh and nevermind trying to leave after the party to go back to work.  Talk about extreme meltdown...
 
Car Service People
This is a big time pet peeve of mine... no, you cannot keep my car overnight.  No, it is not possible.  My wife works an hour away and I have to pick up the kids.  If you don't fix my car we are stranded.  Didn't I just tell you my wife works an HOUR AWAY.  It is already 4pm.  Nevermind traffic.  GIVE ME MY CAR BACK.



Bosses
If you are going to call a meeting, at least accomplish SOMETHING. I don't have time to waste chit-chatting about your weekend.  Let's get to work.

And sorry, no, I cannot stay late EVERY day this week.  I have to pick up my kids.  No I cannot come out to dinner tonight to enjoy an adult evening with our latest guest speaker - I have to feed the kids and make sure they don't throw their whole dinner off the end of the table or spill the whole gallon of milk.  Yes, I would rather have some great chef prepare a 3 course meal than to ask my 2 year old daughter for the 20th time to please CHEW AND SWALLOW THAT BROCCOLI!.

And yes, I know you cannot even fathom having two kids and being a postdoc... because you don't have kids...  and no, I don't know how I do it either.

Well, yes I do know how I do it.  With lots of help from my wife, lots of laughter and a good sense of what matters to me, and two giggly little kids who make all the stress disappear every day.


**I think daycare is a great thing.  Firstly, kids get to hang with other kids.  BW and I don't have a ton a friends with kids the same age as our kids.  Our neighborhood is filled with old people, so the kids get their peer interactions at daycare.  That is an important thing. Second, it teaches children to take orders from someone other than their parents.  This is important also!  Kids are going to have to learn to listen to a teacher at some point so starting early is good.  Oh yeah, there is also the parental sanity point to be made.  Getting some time away from the kids is good too. 

Daycare Birthday Party - The Event

Attrribution: Jessica Diamond via flickr.  CC BY-SA 2.0

This is a follow up to the Daycare Birthday Party Rant.

I did not bring goody bags.

The world did not end.

Not a single kid noticed (at least they didn't say anything to me).

Much joy was had by all the kids, especially Little Berserker Spawn.  He was all smiles!

I WIN!

So, after we had already given LBS his gifts for his birthday, Beautiful Wife and I were upstairs.  I suddenly remembered that we did not even get Sweet Little Hellion (LBS' little sister) a little something so she wouldn't feel left out**.  BW laid down the law on me - "No way - I hate doing that.  It isn't her birthday, she has to learn sometime."  So, it is not just me who is the grinch around here!

**Note: SLH was fine with the whole situation and LBS shared his new toys like a champ.  I almost fell right over when I realized this.

Back home - a quick recap of Northwoods insanity.

Was on vacation for the last week and a half.  Went to the great north woods to our family cabin for the 4th of July holiday.  Kids played in the water from sun rise to sunset.  I enjoyed some swimming, hanging with the family, and relaxing.  Mainly, I just enjoyed returning to the cabin.  I had not been there for 6 years.  I spent weeks every year up at that cabin with my brother and some assortment of adults.  I also enjoyed having my family watch my kids so I didn't have to always be on call for them.  That was AWESOME!  It totally sucks living 1000 miles from any family...

A quick rundown of my world as I was gone:

The Kids were GOOD!
I have some very odd relatives.
I openly fought with my mother in law... OH JOY!
I treasure my family and worry for my wife's family.
After 2 weeks of 16 hour days (before vacation), I don't want to go back to work.
10 days of vacation is enough.
Little Berserker Spawn turns 4 on Monday.
I am NOT making goody bags for his preschool party.
I need a vacation from my vacation...

I may go into more detail later.  I need to decide if I want to dig into the whole fight with my mother-in-law or not.  I might try to convince Beautiful Wife to post about it.  She needs to get it off her chest more than I do.  That means I should probably let her know about the blog... ROFL... oh yeah, I never told her... It has been my personal sounding board... that discussion should be interesting.

Haiku Monday - Illness

Illness

Sick of being sick

Tired of no damn energy

Children bring disease

I love my kids, I really do.  I just wish they wouldn't bring home every superbug illness in the world.  I think the CDC should do some case studies of the germ factories that are children. I haven't been really well in years... but maybe that isn't my kids fault... maybe...

Daycare Birthday Party Rant

I need to rant.  I have 2 kids in daycare, both of which will each have their birthday in the next few weeks.  Seems fun right?  Not at this daycare.

Why?

Because the parents there have started what can only be described as the stupidest tradition ever. 

The child with the birthday (aka the birthday boy or girl) brings stupid little gifts for all the other kids...

HATE AND DISCONTENT!

How f*&^%$&* stupid is that?  They bring little, idiotic goody bags filled with stupid crap and candy.  Then they give them to  all the other kids... WTF?  Who's birthday is this?

And when you ask, well do they bring presents for the birthday kid.  The answer is NO!

BERSERKER RAGE!

Yes, they still bring cake and all the kids sing happy birthday and then they all eat cake. 

WHY THE HELL DOES THE BIRTHDAY KID BRING GIFTS FOR ALL THE OTHER KIDS?

I know Beautiful Wife is going to fight me on this one, but I am not contributing to this insanity.  It is out of control and it stops with me.  I am not spending my time (or hell, even the money) putting together goody bags for all the other kids in the class for my kid's birthday. 

I will bring in a cake or cupcakes.  They can get all sugared up and then go home with their parents.  But I am not sending them home with more candy and gifts. 

On your birthday, you are the person who is supposed to feel special.  It is your one day out of the year.

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Daycare birthday parties rant over!