5 year old Lego Star Wars Movie

Image courtesy of flikr user The mofoJT

A great little stop action Lego Star Wars Movie.  It is filled with pew-pew awesomeness.  A great reminder of being a kid.

Those darn kids... and Punk Rock Friday

I have a few fun stories to share along with some quality punk rock to start your weekend.  Stories first:

So, Sweet Little Helion (my 2 year old daughter) loves the color yellow.  Maybe loves is an incorrect description - she is slightly obsessed with it.  She searches out yellow cars and houses when we drive, then smiles and points them out to everyone.  And you must acknowledge the yellow.  She would live in her yellow butterfly shirt every day if I didn't tear it off her body to wash it - to the tears and rage that only a toddler can produce.  So, the other night Beautiful Wife is upstairs putting SLH to bed and they were chatting a bit.  She asked SLH what color she would paint her room if she had the choice, expecting full well that she would hear 'Yellow!' in her sweet little toddler voice which sounds closer to her saying 'Lellow'.  Instead, SLH responds with 'Black.' in this deadpan, matter of fact way.  Weird little kids.

So, last night I am walking past SLH's room an hour after her bedtime and I hear her singing 'I love yellow, I love yellow' over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.  She just repeated her yellow mantra for like 5 minutes.  I think we are going to have to start a yellow cult or something...

All pray to the all mighty YELLOW! Photo by mexikids at Flickr

Ok maybe not... I am too light skinned to wear that much yellow anyway... SLH will be devastated.

On another note, the other morning BW was getting ready for work, SLH was playing on the floor and Little Berserker Spawn, our 4 year old son, was sitting on our bed watching some news and eating some cheerios.  BW had done something a little new with her hair that morning and I thought it looked really nice, so I said, "I really like your hair."  Now, LBS wanted to also complement her, but did not want to copy me so he said, "Mommy, I really like yourrrrr... underwear!"  I burst out laughing and BW was very kind and gracious, and said, 'Thank you, LBS.' While shooting the crazy laughing eyes at me.  HAHAHAHA!  To be fair, she was getting dressed and didn't have her pants on yet.

Punk Rock Friday - the Ramones
So, in honor of my funny kids I present to you for Punk Rock Friday their favorite songs: Do You Remember Rock N Roll Radio?  and Rock N Roll High School.  They Rock N Roll Radio is LBS' favorite while SLH switches between the two.

Domestic Enemies of the Working Dad

I am a working father.  Worse even, I am a postdoc and a father.  A postdoc is like a graduate student - chained to their work, but worse - you don't get any points just for trying anymore.  You have graduated - it is time to get RESULTS!  Nothing matters but results - and journal articles.  Really, only journal articles.  Actually,  journal articles where you are first author.  Nothing else really matters.

Except, I am married with kids.  Little people who fawn over me, adore me, loving me to the bottom of their souls.  Little people who just want to play with their dad, sit in his lap, have him pay attention to them.  And you know what, I love them so much.  I adore every little drawing they make, every rock they give me, every silly story they tell me.  I love that they love me.  I love that they love to be with me.

So, in honor of them, I write this piece.  This is inspired by the hilarious women over at Rants from Mommyland who have a whole series of Domestic Enemies articles.  They are awesome, hilarious, and truthful.  You should read them!

I present to you the domestic enemies of the working dad.

Daycare Mommies
I am the primary parent who handles daycare.  I get them ready in the morning, I drop them off, I pick them up,  It is the situation our family is in.  BW works across the bridge-tunnel.  Yes you hear right - it is both a bridge and a tunnel under the water.  Yes, it gets annoying to be the one 'on call' all the time.  But I also get to be the one to get that last hug and kiss, to be the first one to see them after daycare.  But what annoys me are the Daycare Mommies.  You know, the ones who think it is just "so CUTE that Daddy is in charge of doing the daycare thing.  And oh my, you even did your daughter's hair, well isn't that just so special?"  You know what, just because I have a penis doesn't mean I am not a full-time parent.  Yes, I dress them and do their hair.  I have a daughter and that means I have to do the pigtails or braids or whatever she wants that day.  (Or what I decide is feasible with the nanoseconds left before we have to leave).  Why does it matter if it is Mom or Dad who does this?  And no, their mother is not sick or taking the day off - I do this 5 times a week, 52 weeks a year.  Just shut up already.  Please.

Daycare Parties
I love my kids and if I could, I would not send them to daycare.  Or let me rephrase that.  I would not send them to daycare everyday.**  So, when you the daycare teachers schedule a party every other week along with a freaking field trip every month - I get annoyed.  Yes my job is flexible.  But no, I don't get vacation time.  Sorry, not in the postdoc world.  So, I REALLY don't want to hear how EVERYONE else's Mom (or Dad) is going to the circus.  Why the hell am I paying you to take me and my kid to the circus?  So, no, I cannot always just drop everything and stop by in the middle of the afternoon for an hour or two for your special "Springtime Under the Sea" party.  If I had extra time at work - I would LEAVE EARLY and take my kids home to hang out with me and play hide and seek or something fun...

Oh and nevermind trying to leave after the party to go back to work.  Talk about extreme meltdown...
 
Car Service People
This is a big time pet peeve of mine... no, you cannot keep my car overnight.  No, it is not possible.  My wife works an hour away and I have to pick up the kids.  If you don't fix my car we are stranded.  Didn't I just tell you my wife works an HOUR AWAY.  It is already 4pm.  Nevermind traffic.  GIVE ME MY CAR BACK.



Bosses
If you are going to call a meeting, at least accomplish SOMETHING. I don't have time to waste chit-chatting about your weekend.  Let's get to work.

And sorry, no, I cannot stay late EVERY day this week.  I have to pick up my kids.  No I cannot come out to dinner tonight to enjoy an adult evening with our latest guest speaker - I have to feed the kids and make sure they don't throw their whole dinner off the end of the table or spill the whole gallon of milk.  Yes, I would rather have some great chef prepare a 3 course meal than to ask my 2 year old daughter for the 20th time to please CHEW AND SWALLOW THAT BROCCOLI!.

And yes, I know you cannot even fathom having two kids and being a postdoc... because you don't have kids...  and no, I don't know how I do it either.

Well, yes I do know how I do it.  With lots of help from my wife, lots of laughter and a good sense of what matters to me, and two giggly little kids who make all the stress disappear every day.


**I think daycare is a great thing.  Firstly, kids get to hang with other kids.  BW and I don't have a ton a friends with kids the same age as our kids.  Our neighborhood is filled with old people, so the kids get their peer interactions at daycare.  That is an important thing. Second, it teaches children to take orders from someone other than their parents.  This is important also!  Kids are going to have to learn to listen to a teacher at some point so starting early is good.  Oh yeah, there is also the parental sanity point to be made.  Getting some time away from the kids is good too. 

13 year old uses Fibonocci sequence to increase solar array efficiency

So, every year the American Museum of Natural History has an award called the Young Naturalist Awards which "is a research-based science competition for students in grades 7-12 to promote participation and communication in science."

The spiral on trees showing the Fibonacci Sequence.

One of this years winners, Aidan, 13 year old from New York, investigated how high latitude trees used the Fibonocci sequence to boost solar collecting efficiency and applied this to the problem of solar array efficiency.  The Fibonocci sequence is 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,... you start with 0 and 1, then add the previous 2 numbers to obtain the next number in the sequence.  Fibonocci initially used it to describe the breeding habits of rabbits.

His essay, The Secret of the Fibonacci Sequence in Trees, is actually a really great read.  I found it extremely inspiring.  Here is this 13 year old kid, just letting his curiosity guide him, investigating how nature has solved a problem and applying it to the problems on mankind.  Brilliant! 

Diagram of tree model that Aidan made with his computer.

It also makes me feel much less worried about the future of the world.  Maybe as adults, we should listen to the kids more often, instead of shooing them off to play video games.  Something to remember as a parent and as a scientist.

Haiku Monday - Frustration

Frustration

Tense frustration builds

"I love you" is my mantra

Sometimes the kids win

Ant induced rage and potty training disaster

Your party ends now you bastards!  Photo credit: flickr user tarotastic

I have a new goal in life - the utter obliteration of all ants!  I declare war on you bastards and I will have my revenge!  I swear it on all things I hold holy (punk rock, German beer, Irish whiskey, Lagrangian mechanics, Feynman diagrams and the Badger State)... there will be a reckoning.

So, as you may have figured out, we have an ant problem at my house.  I believe we have what is known as a super colony living under our house.  From April until October I battle the bastards.  I am like the Father from A Christmas Story - I am one of the most feared ant fighters in southern Virginia and in the heat of battle I have woven more than one tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan (or the Atlantic...).

His nemesis: furnace.  My nemesis: Ants!

Let me start at the beginning.  So after a great day at work, I pick up the Berserker brood from daycare.  Everyone had a great day at school and they were both in good moods.  I walk into the house and begin making dinner.  The toaster oven trips the circuit breaker and I notice and MASSIVE infestation of ants crawling out of my pantry.  I hustle the kids out of the kitchen, restart the toaster oven, and begin my extermination campaign.  I realize they are everywhere!  I am so annoyed.  The whole time Little Berserker Spawn is sitting right on the edge of the kitchen whining for a toy car that is in there.  I try to ignore him.

But I get to work, cleaning and killing.  I feel no pity for them.  I squish them.  I spray them with cleaner.  It is about 80 degrees in the house, because I turn off the A/C while we are at work, so I am sweating my ass off.  LBS is still whining for his toy - I tell him [well growl is probably closer to the truth] to find a different car - you have 80 of them - and go play for 5 minutes.  Then I check the toast - I burned it... RAWR!  So annoyed.  I put some new bread in and start it.

I then decide to check on the kids... Oh.My.God...  I find Sweet Little Hellion in the living room sitting on the potty - no pullup on.  OK.  That seems ok - odd, since she hasn't used the little potty in a month - but fine.  She pops up off the potty saying "I did it!"  I clap. [wait for the cosmic bitch-slap back]  She turns around, and she has diarrhea all down her backside...

Oh yeah, potty training is all stickers, smiles, bunnies and bears.  Photo credit: flicker user byte

I scream, "WHERE IS YOUR PULLUP??????"

She points at the couch.  I see a diarrhea laden pullup sitting on our cream couch. [I know... brilliant.  We bought it before we were even married... idiot no kids couple we were.]  LBS, the whole time is saying "Good job SLH, good job" and "She had to poop Dad" over and over.  I yell at him to go in the man cave and leave me alone for a bit.  [aren't I nice... UGH... really great parent sometimes... poor little guy - I made it up to him later and apologized...]

So, then I realize the SLH has poop all over her shorts.  So, she must have pulled the diarrhea pullup off, placed it on the couch, then waddled with her shorts around her ankles across the room to sit on the potty... GREAT... naked diarrhea butt hanging out walking over the living room carpet... JUST GREAT!

So I clean her up and get a pullup on her.  I check the toast... BURNT AGAIN!  At this point my head is really about to explode.  So, before I unleash my berserker rage, I decide to let the kids play in the living room (I checked the floor - no obvious poop trail... luckily) while I change out of my work clothes into shorts and a tshirt.

I come down stairs and, luckily, Beautiful Wife has arrived home.  She looks at me and I say "I need you take over with the kids."  She takes the kids upstairs away from me. I make peanut butter sandwiches for dinner with oranges and peas [I sure know how to pair food, don't I?].  Then I finish murdering the ants, cleaning, sanitizing and chemically defending my home.  After which, I drank a beer in silence in the kitchen by myself.

SUPER HAPPY FUN TIME!

Back home - a quick recap of Northwoods insanity.

Was on vacation for the last week and a half.  Went to the great north woods to our family cabin for the 4th of July holiday.  Kids played in the water from sun rise to sunset.  I enjoyed some swimming, hanging with the family, and relaxing.  Mainly, I just enjoyed returning to the cabin.  I had not been there for 6 years.  I spent weeks every year up at that cabin with my brother and some assortment of adults.  I also enjoyed having my family watch my kids so I didn't have to always be on call for them.  That was AWESOME!  It totally sucks living 1000 miles from any family...

A quick rundown of my world as I was gone:

The Kids were GOOD!
I have some very odd relatives.
I openly fought with my mother in law... OH JOY!
I treasure my family and worry for my wife's family.
After 2 weeks of 16 hour days (before vacation), I don't want to go back to work.
10 days of vacation is enough.
Little Berserker Spawn turns 4 on Monday.
I am NOT making goody bags for his preschool party.
I need a vacation from my vacation...

I may go into more detail later.  I need to decide if I want to dig into the whole fight with my mother-in-law or not.  I might try to convince Beautiful Wife to post about it.  She needs to get it off her chest more than I do.  That means I should probably let her know about the blog... ROFL... oh yeah, I never told her... It has been my personal sounding board... that discussion should be interesting.

Haiku Monday - Illness

Illness

Sick of being sick

Tired of no damn energy

Children bring disease

I love my kids, I really do.  I just wish they wouldn't bring home every superbug illness in the world.  I think the CDC should do some case studies of the germ factories that are children. I haven't been really well in years... but maybe that isn't my kids fault... maybe...

Children's TV

Used under the Creative Commons license. Attribution: James Good

My kids (age 2 and 3) get to watch 30 minutes of TV during the week. Monday through Saturday they alternate watching a show of their choosing at 7pm, before jammies and reading books before bed. Here are some thoughts on children's television.

Shows I we love:
Phineas and Ferb - Insane engineering and imaginative inventions coupled with the very laid back attitude of the two main characters makes this a show I don't feel bad letting my kids watch.  It is entertaining and (I think) helps kids feel they can do anything (even if it violates the laws of physics).  Kids should feel like they can do anything.

Sesame Street - it was a staple of my childhood and it makes me happy that my kids enjoy something that I also enjoyed as a kid.


Shows I tolerate my kids love:
DinoDan - Has dinosaurs in it.  And the animation dinosaurs are superimposed on real action.  OH NOES - DINOSAURS ARE REAL!  But they never eat anyone... weird.  My kids love it.
 
Max & Ruby - (I still think Max & Ruby's parents are off boozing with Dora and Diego's rents) Overbearing older sister forces younger brother to do weird things.  Younger brother attempts to simultaneously be nice to his sister and annoy the hell out of her.  Seems fairly realistic.  Except for the older sister's patience... what is she a Saint?

My kids also love Dora (my son) and Diego (my daughter).  Dora has the weird effect that it instantly puts me to sleep.  It is her weird eyes that don't point in the same direction.  When she stares at you, I think it hypnotizes me and I instantly fall asleep.  Therefore, I leave the room during Dora.  


Shows that are not allowed on the television in my house:
Wonderpets - stupid duck. If I have to hear about things getting "SEERWEOUS" one more time I will lose my shit. 'Oh no, the stupid pink unicorn is stuck in the mud... we must help him.' If that is the worst thing that happens today - I vote best day ever. The animation (or is it claymation... I really cannot tell) makes me want to vomit.

Barney - Stupid purple dinosaur. Annoying purple dinosaur.  BAD DINOSAUR, BAD DINOSAUR!

Haiku Monday - Kids...

Kids

I'm losing my mind

one crazy child at a time

there is no hope left

Haiku Monday- Cabin Fever and Taxes

Cabin Fever

Crazy children laugh

Maniacally jump around

Berserk Dad explodes

Taxes

Stupid taxes die

In debt to my eyeballs sucks

Uncle Sam licks butts

A Letter from a Son to his Parents

This is a letter Beautiful Wife and I received from Little Berserker Spawn yesterday:

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I love you! I love when you guys play games and robots with me! I love when you cook carrots, Mommy! I love when you cook watermelon, Daddy.  Thank you for taking me to Target and the green grocery store! Have a great day!

Love,

LBS

This was of course transcribed by one of his teachers.  Turns out I am one heck of a watermelon cook... I just didn't know!

Pure awesomeness - Silly Rhymes For Belligerent Children

Is this real?  I think it is!  This is definitely going to be a gift for my kids at some point.  What greater gift for a kid than a book full of rhymes about gross, ewwy-gooey things?  You know it will be funny with Trace Beaulieu as the author (from MST3K fame) and Len Peralta (from geek-a-week fame) illustrating.  You can check out ThinkGeek to pick the book up!

I would love to get my hands on this book.  Will just have to wait until one of the spawn is of the right age... or maybe splurge and get it for myself!