Monday, June 13, 2011

Week to Week Guide to Pregnancy for Dads.

This idea is stolen inspired Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka.  (Hey, read the comments, she actually said it was ok.)

So, you finally got someone knocked up.  Well guess what, your going to be a Dad.  Yeah, capital D there kids.  This is real.  I am not going to go on a rant about how you better step up, etc., etc., but you better.  Kids are cool and parents matter.  If you don't know that by now, I will induct you into the douche-bag dad hall of fame later.

So, if you are a sane and normal guy, the whole pregnancy thing is going to get really f-ing real pretty quick.  It really is not as insane as the movies and TV make it out to be.  But it can get pretty weird, pretty quickly.  Every pregnancy is different.  Even for the same women, so be prepared for all sorts of shenanigans and insanity.  You might even laugh about it someday.

So, here it is, your wife's pregnancy week by week (I will condense some weeks together.  I am not much for the whole drawn out scene- I am all about the synopsis).

Week One: So... get this, the 'pregnancy' starts with your wife's last period.  I have no idea why they start counting there.  But they do.  So, I hope you were nice to her.
Week Two: Wife's period over, life returns to normal.
Week Three: Sperm, meet egg!  I hope you had a really great time and everything was awesome.  Pulled your best moves out and everything.  Cause your sex life is forever changed.  HA-HA! (in voice from Nelson on The Simpsons)
Week Four: Your baby is now a BLASTOCYST (well that is what Aunt Becky says anyway).  My understanding is that the inseminated egg travels and implants in the walls of your wife's uterus.  Your kids first road trip.
Week Five: She is OFFICIALLY KNOCKED UP!  The little alien (it really looks like an alien) has found a warm cozy spot and is rapidly growing.  Your kid looks like it has flippers for arms and legs.  Don't worry, it is supposed to be like that.
Week Six: Your wife is likely starting to feel like crap.  Probably in the morning, but contrary to the name morning sickness, it doesn't have to be in the morning.  She might feel like crap all day, or just the evening, or just has to wake up and puke every day at 5:57 am.  Who knows.  She is probably not looking pregnant yet.  Sometimes this angers women, they feel like poop, but they don't get the pregnancy sympathy yet.  So, be nice to her.  I believe your child is about the size of grain of salt now and is called an embryo.  Your child's heart begins to beat this week also!  Ahh... but your kid has a tail.  Sorry.  Don't worry that, too, is normal.
Week Seven: Morning sickness continues.  Now your wife is probably getting pretty pissy about feeling crappy for over a week.  You would too!  Be nice to here some more.  Your kid is now about the size of a grain of rice.  Arms and legs are less flipper-like by now.  The kids brain is starting to really grow, which means your kids first attempts to sneak stuff by you are already entering their mind... BE PREPARED!
Week Eight: Probably more morning sickness.  Fun, huh?  Hey, at least your not the one puking their brains out all the time.  Hopefully by this time, your wife has found out what she can keep down and what is easier to puke up.  Nice, huh?  Well, reality is a bitch.  Your little kid is growing eyes, ears and a little nose.  Fingers are starting, along with toes.  Not quite so alien-esque anymore.  I think the tail is going away now too.  Who wouldn't want a prehensile tail?  ...  Shut up you tail-aphobe. 
Week 9 embryo.  Attribution: lunar caustic
Week Nine: Is your wife looking a little bustier than normal?  Yep, she probably is.  But be gentle, they are probably sore.  Oh, yeah, your wife might also be more amorous also.  Or she might not even let you sleep in the same bed as her.  Both are normal.  Let your wife dictate your sex life at this stage.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  As if she wasn't doing that before getting knocked up! HAHAAHAHA!  Sex is fine during pregnancy.  Maybe it is not cool with you, maybe you like it.  Either way, just talk to each other.  And no, you cannot hurt the baby. 
Week Ten: Your kid can move!  He or she has elbows, knees, ankles, wrists, toes and fingers.  Your wife likely cannot feel them, but your kid is on the move.
Week Eleven: The embryo is now a fetus.  That matters for some reason.  Words matter to people.  Anyway, your kid is growing like a weed.  Something they will do for the next 14-20 years.  START SAVING NOW!
Week Twelve: Your kid is looking less and less like an alien (but still sort of like an alien - still has a big head).  Also, by now you might be able to hear a heartbeat with a Fetal Doppler Monitor.  It should sound something like this: Fetal Heartbeat MP3.  Also, your kid starts to pee.  Yep, the kidneys are working now!  Also, your kid has genitals.  Really small ones, but genitals all the same.
Week Thirteen: Your kid's organs are almost completely formed.  Also, your kid is looking less and less like an alien.  The eyes are starting to move closer together.  Less alien is good.
Week Fourteen: Ah, now your wife is in her 2nd trimester.  Hopefully, morning sickness has gotten better.  But it also might not have.  As far as I can figure, almost EVERYTHING in pregnancy is wacky and different every time.  Completely different from person to person, from pregnancy to pregnancy.  Seems reasonable.  Anyway, your kid is just over 3 inches long and weighs an ounce or two.
Week Fifteen: The kids bones have started to harden.  Hell, the kid might even already be sucking his or her thumb.  Good luck making that stop in time for kindergarten. 
Week Sixteen: You should have an ultrasound scheduled for some time near this week.  You can find out if you are having a boy or a girl. Your wife may soon feel your baby move.  Also, your kid now has fingernails and toenails.  Have fun cutting those little suckers!
Week Seventeen: Baby growing some more.
Week Eighteen: Baby growing some more - should weigh about 8 oz.
Week Nineteen: Your baby can hear you sing. So, begin indoctrinating your child with good music.  It matters (that is only my opinion, but hey I have a PhD, my opinion should matter right?  Yeah... I know it doesn't...).
Your kid, unless he loses all that hair.
Week Twenty: Halfway done!  In twenty more weeks you will have a child to take care of.  Your child is now covered in hair.  Everywhere.  Your own little wookie!  Awwwwww....
Week Twenty-One: By now you definitely should know, boy or girl.  Or are you brave and want the surprise.  If you go that route, be prepared for all your family to be annoyed at you.  And to also get all presents in the colors green and yellow. 
Week Twenty-Two: Your kid weighs about a pound.  And has eyebrows and eyelashes.  Still growing.
Week Twenty-Three: By now, your kid is using your wife's innards for kickball practice.  But, he or she doesn't have much mass yet, so there is not all the much force going on.  Don't worry it will get there...
Week Twenty-Four: Growing kid.  More human looking every week.  That is good, right?
Week Twenty-Five:  Still growing...
Week Twenty-Six: Your kid is about 2 pounds and 9 inches from the top of the head to their butt.  If you’re having a boy, his testicles are descending to the scrotum. HURRAH!  (umm... why does that make us happy?  I have no clue, but it does).
Week Twenty-Seven: One of the funniest things can happen now.  Your wife can feel when the your little monster has the hiccups.  Hopefully, they don't get the hiccups too often, which can be annoying to the mom.  Which means you will hear about it.  And you should, you did this to her... you bastard!
Week Twenty-Eight: Your kid can open it eyes.  But it probably doesn't see much, but weird swirling fluid.  Might be sort of trippy...
Week Twenty-Nine: Quote from Aunt Becky for this week, since I have always wondered this too: "You should probably sign up for those Lamaze classes so you can answer me a question that has haunted me for years: why do the ladies in the birthing videos deliver naked?"  My guess is that they didn't have air conditioning when they filmed those 80 year old movies... just my guess.  So, tell me why...
Week Thirty: Brain to baby: assume the position.  Your kid now starts to orient him or herself into the delivery position.  That is head down.  That means your kid will start kicking the hell out of your wife's spine, hips and organs.  Don't laugh at her.  She will get VERY angry.
Week Thirty-One: Wife is probably not sleeping much.  Kid on bladder, kicking internal organs.  Guess what, you won't sleep much either.  Unless you married a saint and why would you have the good sense to do something like that?  Your kids brain is going through a very rapid growth phase.  Start teaching it your evil plans for world domination now.  That way it is ingrained from the beginning.
Week Thirty-Two: Your kid should weigh about 5 lbs and all 5 senses are functioning.  That means he or she is exploring their environment with all 5 senses.  Not so much fun for mommy.  "Oh, kicking makes her make sounds.  Me likey!" kick, kick, kick. 
Week Thirty-Three: Baby is putting on some baby fat.  This is a good thing.  Fat will help baby grow strong to help you take over the world.
Week Thirty-Four: Whatever you do, do not make fun of your wife's underwear when she is pregnant.  She will not be wearing those nice, fun, pre-pregnancy undies.  She needs to be comfortable and you need to keep your mouth shut.  Trust me here.
Week Thirty-Five:Your kid is about 5 and a half pounds now (on average.  Kids are individuals and the error bars on all the data from now on swamp the actual data.  Remember this!  Your kid is an individual, even now).  Also, when they sleep they close their eyes and open their eyes when they are awake. Cool, huh?
Week Thirty-Six: Your kid is really packing on the baby fat.  This is when they start to get the dimples in their knees and elbows from the baby fat.  It really is cute.
Week Thirty-Seven: BAM!  (begone spirit of Emiril- I SAID BEGONE!) Your kid is considered full-term.  That is to say, they are fully ready to be born, technically.  Your wife's body and your kid may differ on this point.  Also, your kid has lost all his or her wookiee hair.  MMMMAAARRRWWWHHHAAA!
Week Thirty-Eight: Kid is packing on the pounds.  About an ounce a day.  Now that is eating!  If you haven't got that bag packed for the hospital, DO IT NOW!  Wait, we both know your wife has been nagging you about that for 4 weeks.  Yeah, it is already done.
Week Thirty-Nine: Still preggers?  This is a miserable time for your wife.  The end is in sight.  But oh, so very far away it seems.  Nights are an endless torment of no sleep and uncomfortableness.  Good news, your wife is so full of extra heat from the little furnace in her belly and the two tons of extra blood in her body that she will let you turn the thermostat down to the temperature you have always wanted it at.  WIN!
Week Forty: Technically, last week of pregnancy.  But wait, as a parent this is the first lesson of many on the fact that kids keep their own schedule and constantly mess with yours. So your ball of joy is probably already here or won't come for two more weeks.  Welcome to parenthood.

For the last two weeks, I simply quote Aunt Becky from her post on Your Pregnancy In Tasty Week Form
Week Forty-One: Are you STILL fucking pregnant? That’s bullshit. Get some really obnoxious music (think C and C Music Factory) and play it to your belly, all Branch Davidians-Style. You should probably take your phone off the hook so you don’t get a zillion “are you STILL pregnant?” questions. Because trust me. If you’re still pregnant, you don’t need to make nifty smalltalk.
Week Forty-Two: Okay, I feel sorry enough for you by now to actually help this along myself. Threaten baby with A Visit From Crazy Aunt Becky.

So, I hope this helps all the soon to be Dads out there.  Or just makes anyone laugh.  Special thanks to Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka for inspiring this and letting me steal borrow quote her.  I didn't actually ask about the quotes, so hopefully she finds it endearing not litigation inspiring.

Now you should go read my posts on Advice to New Fathers.


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